Thursday, July 15, 2010


I am jealous.  I saw a picture of an ex with his current girlfriend and they looked really happy.  I felt my ears burn, my cheeks flushed and my heart felt a throb.  I am jealous.

I am friends with this guy even after our break up a long long time ago.  He would even ask me advices of his troubled relationship.  I knew right then that I've moved on.  Our relationship wasn't the perfect one, we seldom see each other because he lives in the city and I am in the province.  Despite the distance, we never lost communication and when the time comes that he'd visit me, it was like falling in love with him all over again.  I think he's my first love although he wasn't my first boyfriend.  I met him through a friend when I was in college, we exchanged numbers and we'd talk for hours over the phone.  He'd visit me as soon as his schedule and budget permits, he's a college student too.  Courtship didn't take long.  Our relationship lasted for three years.  I ended it because I could not bear anymore the distance, it was not enough for me to just hear his voice or see him twice a month... I need his presence.

Seeing his picture with his current love brought too many happy memories and the things that could have been between us.  When I heard that he has a new girlfriend a year after our break up, I did not feel a bit of jealousy, I have moved on.  I don't know why  I am feeling jealous right now after seven years of breaking up with him.  I have never moved on, is that it?    

It breaks my heart to wish them well.  I just couldn't. Uttering the words "I am happy for you" is like stabbing myself.  I hate this feeling.  I need some divine intervention.

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